Bits & Bytes of Humor

Robert’s Rules of Computer Order:

If someone else is watching while you are doing anything on the computer, anything at all, it will screw up (that’s the technical term).

The percentage chance of screwing up increases in direct proportion to the size of your audience.

You will never have an extra blank disk.

If you do bring along a blank disk, you won’t need to.

The only pieces of data you will ever lose are the ones you were going to save just as soon as you finished typing a couple more lines.

Emoticons (Also Known as "Smileys")

Summertime Jokes

Misleading Signs

When writing signs, flyers, ads, and other promotional material, be sure to re-read what you have written to make sure you have actually said what you mean. Following are a few “bloopers” sure to get attention, however, maybe not the attention intended.

In a London department store:  Bargain Basement Upstairs.

Spotted in a safari park:  Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

In an office:  Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Outside a second hand shop:  We exchange everything – bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

In a health food shop window:  Closed due to illness.  

Computing Truisms

      Home is where you hang your @.

      The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

      A Journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

      You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

      Great groups from little icons grow.

      Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

      Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

      The modem is the message.

      Too many clicks spoil the browse.

      The geek shall inherit the earth.

      A chat has nine lives.

      Don’t byte off more than you can view.

      Fax is stranger than fiction.

      What boots up must come down.

      Windows will never cease.

      In Gates we trust.

      Virtual reality is its own reward.

      Modulation in all things.

      A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

      There’s o place like home.com.

      Know what to expect before you connect.

      Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice to receive.

      Speed thrills.

      Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

               From stacy@assistu.com

Singing the Holiday Business Blues!

NORTH POLE – Season’s Greetings! The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the season’s greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing.

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share and he cannot sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for international investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading of the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat scarified, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a single case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the law suit filed by the attorneys’ association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if Seven Dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays!

~ Author Unknown

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